Sometimes it feels like I used to be a different person.

When I was in Kindergarten, I apparently wanted to be a dentist. I liked centres, “Baby Beluga”, and snacks. When I was in junior high, I was devout. At sixteen, I thought I’d fallen in love, was smart, and knew what I wanted. It only lasted so long.

When I left home and started university, I felt nervous, but nonetheless fairly self-assured. I wanted to be a teacher, I was going to become a teacher. Simple. I did well enough in school, shouldn’t be a problem. I had been one of the Smart Kids growing up. I was rather arrogant about it, in fact. But then things sort of started to crash midway through my second year of university. It’s a bit of a blur now, but I remember sleeping a lot and feeling like I couldn’t make it out of bed early enough for classes. 

I used to get really frustrated and upset. I’d know I was upset, and I was aware that there was no real reason to be upset, but it didn’t change how overwhelmed I was with emotion. My inability to control my emotions was incredibly frustrating. I’d cry and hyperventilate and slap myself. 

—

I get up, I go to work. Sometimes they even trust me with keys to the building. It’s still kind of a student job, not something I want to do for that long, but I work with adults who treat me like an adult and give me responsibility, and usually I don’t panic. I work full time and even have benefits. 

I have a house I rent with one of my boyfriends; I pay rent and utilities successfully. My relationships are mostly stable. I can cook and make a turkey, even. (Okay, with a bit of help from my mum.) 

I still forget that I’m an adult - sometimes I literally forget my age. But I’m losing the need to justify my adulthood to myself; it’s something that simply is. I went to my staff party the other night, despite having to go by myself. I didn’t panic about having to be alone or who to talk to - much. I felt pretty, and had fun, despite being in a social situation that would have terrified me a few years ago.

It’s nice to know I’m growing.